The Alternative Top Ten of 2009

I'm not going to wish you a Merry Christmas, because I am in a Scroogish mode currently. You see, as one of the contributors to The Click of a Light I was asked for my opinions on the top ten albums of 2009 - opinions which were then cruelly cast out in favour of those deemed more acceptable. Because this is alternative, it doesn't include download links and isn't in reverse order (ooooh ALTERNATIVE!!~!). So consider this the Ahmadinejad to Pip Copley's Queen, in the spirit of Christmas...

1. Katy Perry – One for the Boys
FUCK YOU. This wasn’t released in 2009 but I do not care because 2009 was the year of Perry for me. Even the taint of Russell Brand can’t sour my thoughts on the Perry – she produces perfectly amazing pop music and anyone that disagrees has been lobotomised by their own cool Converse.

I spent a lot of the summer driving around with a friend of mine called Fraz and we listened to the Wu-tang Clan and this, and until you’ve paced it down Osborne Road with the windows down and Hot N’ Cold blaring out the stereo, you’ve not lived. There’s even a car-dance move that goes with it, which is the manly fist pump. You do it to the thumping drumbeat as you sing along to the ridiculously high “someone call a doctor/got a case of love bi-polar” line” and you feel like the sun won’t ever set and the summer won’t ever end. Of course it does, but that’s what you’ve got the slower songs for. Shut up. It’s the best album of the year.

2. Katy Perry – MTV Unplugged
I haven’t listened to this but I’m sure it’s good because it’s Katy Perry, and I’m not entirely convinced Pip won’t disqualify One for the Boys because of his stupid rules that the year begins in January. What if I want to live my life by the Julian Calendar instead of the Gregorian one? No Papal Decree can make me. FUCK YOU.

3. Jamie T – Kings & Queens
Pip doesn’t like this. Pip is stupid. I dislike the chipmunk voice on 368 because it reminds me of that stupid ‘I’m So Lonely’ song and something done by D12 (which in my mind only brings up images of Eminem on Top of the Pops dancing around a bottle of salsa), but Sticks N’ Stones, The Man’s Machine and British Intelligence are what people seem to call “banging”. My disinterested-in-music girlfriend likes Jamie T which is good because it’s acceptable rap as opposed to…

4. Wu-tang Clan – Enter the Wu-tang (36 Chambers)
Summer of Wu-tang. I was sitting on some grass listening to ‘Protect Ya Neck’ next to Fraz and was this close to making a move, so perfect is this album. Apparently girls don’t like it when you slap on some Wu-tang in the car. Who knew.

5. Pure Reason Revolution – Amor Vincit Omnia
I haven’t listened to this album, but I looked at the list of albums released in 2009 on Wikipedia and this stood out because I wrote a short story in year 11 with the same title that was about a couple breaking up in a New York townhouse. I cribbed the setting of it from Home Alone, where Macaulay Culkin is avoiding the criminals in Central Park and goes to his uncle’s house but it’s abandoned because they went on holiday because it’s Christmas and no-one should be alone over the holidays. I love Home Alone; it’s such a seminal Christmas film.

6. Shakira – She Wolf
You’re all wrong – this rules. The title track is amazing (and not just for the video – it has HOWLS in it) and the album track ‘Gypsy’ is like some sort of Romany party in musical form. “I’m a gypsy/are you coming with me?/I’ll take your clothes and wear them if they fit me/I never make agreements/because I’m a gypsy”. Truer words have never been spoken.

7. Dear Landlord – Our Wings Are Fluttering in the Nest
Dear Landlord is my friend, but it’s okay because Pip’s heard him and says he’s really good. This got us onto a conversation about how my school is better than his and his Latin school motto was stolen from Nike. In all seriousness though, Dear Landlord’s songs are ridiculously impressive, charming and deserve a listen, even if you disagree with everything I’ve said up to now. He’s at http://www.myspace.com/deadlandlordsings.

8. Brian Wilson – Smile
I like Brian Wilson a lot. This is the best album that’s ever been released, and as such deserves to be put on every list of the best albums, regardless of the year.

9. The Hold Steady – A Positive Rage
I’m bringing the Perry Rule back into action for this. Pip’s already ridden the ego of the Hold Steady into sweet sweet oblivion in an earlier post but I’m an even bigger fan and this is a live album of some of their best songs but is really just an excuse to tell you to listen to them. Listen to them!

10. The Time of My Life – Patrick Swayze & Lisa Niemi
Audiobooks can be classed as albums right? People forget Patrick Swayze because 2009 was the year of Michael Jackson dying. I haven’t read or listened to this, but with a title like that and the fact that Dirty Dancing is committed to celluloid for eternity you can’t help but win.